RFC 1882! The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas!

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What follows is another in a series of Requests For Comment that the TELNET NEWS/LAND LINE LID THIS WEEK has unearthed at various information repositories. RFCs are documents composed and written detailing certain standards or operational protocols for use within the Internet community. Some of these otherwise dry commentaries may actually make for some unusual, if not interesting reading.
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RFC 1882 - The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas
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Network Working Group B. Hancock
Request for Comments: 1882 Network-1 Software and Technology, Inc.
Category: Informational December 1995
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The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas
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Status of this Memo
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This memo provides information for the Internet community. This memo does not
specify an Internet standard of any kind. Distribution of this memo is
unlimited.
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Discussion
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On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
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On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
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On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
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On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)
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On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)
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On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!)
Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...)
Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?)
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On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...)
Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!)
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On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!)
Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)
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On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.)
Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!)
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On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens room? Why?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!)
Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...)
Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!)
Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)
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On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?)
Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!)
Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)
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On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!)
Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like XMas lights.)
Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.)
Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)
Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you!)
Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just
talking and were cut off...)
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Security Considerations
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Security issues are not discussed in this memo.
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Author's Address
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Bill Hancock, Ph.D.
Network-1 Software & Technology, Inc.
DFW Research Center
878 Greenview Dr.
Grand Prairie, TX 75050
EMail: hancock@network-1.com
Phone: (214) 606-8200
Fax: (214) 606-8220
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Comment on RFC 1882
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Previous: RFC 1881 - IPv6 Address Allocation Management Next: RFC 1883 -
Internet Protocol, Version 6 (IPv6) Specification

RAX3! Yet Another Random Access "Twas The Night Before"...And So Forth!

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This week's Random Access Christmas features Bill Continelli W2XOY serving up another amateur radio version of "The Night Before Christmas". Your humble producer (that's me) performed the introduction to Bill's holiday story. I assumed the role of Father Christmas, complete with heavy blustery winds and blinding snow - you imagine all this in your personal theater of the mind since this whole thing is an audio presentation.
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But here's a bit of inside, behind-the-scenes, information! At the time when I recorded that intro, I was suffering from a G*dawful head cold and as such my voice was quite raspy. This was actually not a bad thing but to enhance the gravelly effect even further, I took my Father Christmas voice track and modulated it with a 7 Hz tone. The result was a curious, fluttery effect
which worked well with the all the blowing and howling winds.
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Unfortunately, none of the Random Access Christmas programs are currently on file in my RATParts at TWIAR because those shows kept on George's harddrive. But! You can certainly download either the This Week in Amateur Radio ham service or This Week in Amateur Radio International for the week ending December 20th.
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TWO! TWO! TWO RATS IN ONE!: A Random Access Christsmas! And! Amateur Radio Repeater IDs! Part 3: The 2nd Sequel

This week's edition of the Random Access Thought was composed and produced this week here at the N2FNH Bunker and features Mother Radio and Packetman for yet another kitchenside coffee clatch where the subject of note is amateur radio repeater IDs. A recent scan of the Googleverse revealed some new and quite creative entries. In addition, our technical director, George W2XBS offered a CD with additional ID material from the Broadcast Employees Amateur Radio Repeater - The Bear!...some really great stuff!

The effects used this week's feature are truly vintage, going back to the late 1950's and early 1960's. Packetman's freakout sequence was assembled from select effects from the Hanna Barbera, Jay Ward and UPA sound effects libraries. There is also a new RAT Intro and Outro, which features Cigman and Marilyn Krasnov playing around with MY audio equipment. On a personal note, I was a little distressed to discover that Cigman was smoking his cheesy unfiltered Viceroys around MY sensitive audio mastering equipment.

I cheated on the RAT promotional message, recalling the original repeater ID recording where MNOAOS Zach, then at the age of nine, was hanging with the enigmatic Tick Tock discussing the curious things people collect. I edited in an updated slug line ("...coming up in just a few minutes...) with fresh audio! Remember! This be a labor of love here.

What follows is the script that Beverly Krasnov (Mother Radio) and Packetman (real name held due to AFTRA contract restrictions) read before the Microphonium!
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INTRO
(FX: doorbell)

MR: Who is it?

PM: It's me, Packetman! (voice muffled)

MR: Come on in! So, what brings you to the Krasnov homestead this bright and sunny Saturday afternoon?

PM: I have more exciting amateur radio repeater IDs to play for you on my trusty mp3 audio player.

MR: Ok Puppy Boy! What have you got?

PM: The first two clips are standard fare, one a computer voice from WA1ZYX and the other, a noisy analog recording from W1BIM. Both of these repeaters are located in New Hampshire.
(VX: repeater clips: set 1)

MR: I hear that type all the time.

PM: Sometimes, you may hear a professional announcer, like this one from W1DC at Uncanoonuc, New Hampshire.
(VX: repeater clips: set 2)

MR: Very professional!

PM: Here a few more of Bill Hamilton's World Famous Repeaterisms.
(VX: repeater clips: set 3)

MR: I like those the best!

PM: The guys out west at the N6ICW repeater in Sacramento, California have taken this ID thing to higher levels. check out these famous celebrity impersonations.
(VX: repeater clips: set 4)

MR: They sound like Saturday morning cartoons.

PM: Yeah, but N6ICW also got a real broadcaster to do the voice over work too!

(VX: repeater clips: set 5)

MR: That man drives me crazy every weekday afternoon on the local radio station.

PM: And just like N2FNH, the N6ICW hams are big into sound effects too.
(VX: repeater clips: set 6)

MR: Far out!

PM: Finally, speaking of celebrities, the Broadcast Employees Amateur Repeater W9LOV at Schaumberg, Illinois, offers up it's own fleet of famous folk. I got these recordings from George W2XBS.
(VX: repeater clips: set 7)

PM: And that's it!

MR: You know, I was just thinking. There was a local repeater here that used to have very creative IDs and messages, but they took them off the air. Too bad. Now, they sound so stale. Well, anyway, now that you're here, I've got the latest Monitoring Times, Popular Communications and some garlic bagels right over there on the kitchen table.
(FX: twang, key at "monitoring times")
(FX: rumble, key at "popular communications")

PM: oh oh oh

(FX: madcap 1, key at third "oh")
(FX: oyoyoyoy, key at madcap tail)

MR: Cool your jets there puppy boy, we've got all afternoon!
(FX: madcap2, key at "afternoon")

MR: This boy really needs to get himself a girlfriend! (whispered)
OUTRO

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BUT THERE'S MORE! A special Random Access Christmas is in the offing as well. In our second week of ham radio Christmas specials, Shannon Ratigan N0JAM offers his own unique version of The Night Before Christmas, nicely post produced with my usual one-of-a-kind big pile of sound effects and other audio detritus. Detritus, by the way, is a five dollar word, used by crossword puzzle authors and science fiction writers everywhere!

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Mister Ratigan was apparently way before my time with This Week in Amateur Radio, but he has a nice vocal presence and delivery for the purposes of this Random Access Christmas which was fun to add additional sound to. According to QRZ, Scott currently resides in Dunedin, Florida. There is a photo image offered on his QRZ listing, but I suspect it may be a misrepresentation since the face showing is quite noticeably Vulcan, or possibly Romulan.

So download this week's This Week in Amateur Radio Ham Service and the TWIARi Broadcast version, or even better connect to: http://www.twiar.org/n2fnh/RATParts/

Look for file number RAT080902_RID3_BCQ.cab and RAT080902_RID3_HAM.cab, right click and "Save Target As" to your hardddrive. Use your WinZIP or IZArc to extract the RAT audio WAV file inside!

A Random Access Christmas! Hosted By Jock Elliott KB2GOM!

Jock Elliott KB2GOM, columnist and contributor to Monitoring Times and net control for a daily early morning traffic net on the local 146.940 repeater in nearby Troy, New York is the host of a special Random Access Christmas with some suggestions on low cost Christmas gifts for amateur radio operators. This edition of the Random Access Christmas is heard exclusively over This Week in Amateur Radio and This Week in Amateur Radio International via WBCQ, your local VHF/UHF repeater or by Internet podcast download.

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The intros and outros for the program were voiced by MNOAOS Zach when he was ten. Included in the effects track were some Star Wars sounds because Zach is an A Number 1 fan of the film/book/video game science fiction series.

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Likewise, the promos that go with the RAX were cut when Zach was ten and when Mother Radio(Beverly Krasnov) was just honing her acting skills as a broadcast radio performer.

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